Entry 1

Posted on by jlesenne

I hate dating. 

I can’t do it. 

I get all nervous and shy.

said every single girl.

How not to date…………………… stalk the potential guy

We focus on dating so much. What about us who don’t want to date, or just simply, don’t date. Maybe because there is no one who is interested in us or because we don’t want to partake in the new modern way using apps and social media.

Dating can be frustrating because you get all glammed up and then the guy probably won’t notice the difference. 

I don’t date very often. My latest attempt can’t even be classified as a date. It was stalkerish. I fancy a guy who works in a pizza shop (for those unaware I live in Italy) and I thought I’ll turn up at the pizza shop tonight looking incredible and we start talking and that will be that! I spent hours getting ready, which is very unlike me who is happy to go to work make-up free. I even started waxing my bikini line just in case. I looked great. I would date me. 

I should also mention that I was drinking while getting ready so I was pretty drunk by the time I headed out. 

I went there late hoping it would be quiet and so we would actually be able to talk. I was wrong, it’s Italy. I arrived at peak hour at 10:30pm. I said hi to him then asked him how he was and that was it. I freaked out, couldn’t think of anything to say. He was really busy with work so he didn’t want to chat. I froze not knowing what to do. Super awkward. 

I eventually sat at an empty table which made me feel even more loser-ish. Ate my food and then he told me he was off. Within 20 mins of me arriving he gone. Great. Was my look that offensive? Was I that boring? Probably! 

The one advantage of this non-date was I got free food. Nothing tastes better than free food. Although once he had left I ate it quickly and then left myself because I realised how lame my whole evening was.

Advice number one for dating – don’t try so hard!!! They aren’t going to pay that much attention to your look. Next date –  put on yesterday’s clothes, and let your bikini line be bushy.

Entry 3

Posted on by jlesenne

How not to date during a pandemic

How not to use a vibrator

My girlfriends got me a vibrator for my birthday. I had enough of having to wait for someone to give me pleasure. I’ve always been a bit nervy about masturbating on my own so I thought a vibrator would ease me in and show me I can have fun in bed on my own.

Wrong.

I can’t get an orgasm or even a small bit of pleasure. Maybe it’s all the antidepressants I’m on that are squashing my libido. But I can’t fully believe it or it would mean half of the UK struggle to orgasm. (I guess plausible with all the forgasms).

We watched a Sex and the city episode where the guy says he doesn’t feel like sex because of being on prozac and it reminded me of my vibrator struggles. 

I think it is more likely that my technique is bad. Not the prozac. So I decided to google “vibrator orgasm” naively thinking I would get some diagram or blog that would guide me on how to use a vibrator effectively. Instead I get loads of x-rated vagina pictures with vibrators. Classic internet being sexist, not helping the female body part achieve orgasms. The world only cares about a male orgasm.

I want and need to learn how to use my vibrator as it is my only friend in lockdown. If anyone can give me tips please contact me ASAP. I mean the true reason I can’t is probably my excessive alcohol consumption and music choice. Mariah Carey a la David Rose. 

I’ll let you know when I get a vibrator orgasm. (Hopefully soon!)

Entry 2

Posted on by jlesenne

I’m so ugly. 

No guy is ever going to love me.

Said every girl.

How not to date…………………… date work colleagues

I actually got asked on a date. Feel pretty special. Until I remind myself it was a guy on Tinder and if you scroll up to previous messages he openly and honestly admitted he is looking for fun (sex). Hmmm. Maybe I will decline his invitation for “drinks”. Don’t want to get any STIs.

Recently I had sex. Really I did. I swear. Although it was a stupid decision and I probably shouldn’t have done it. I did the classic thing – I slept with a work colleague. 

We were out for drinks as a group and somehow in my drunken state I was pulled towards him. We kept going outside for “cigarettes”, or more accurately to make-out away from the glaring eyes of the rest of our co-workers. Felt like a teenager with all this making-out. I was feeling a bit desperate so it was 100% the attitude of “may as well”, “not much to lose” and “better than nothing”. Not going to lie he wasn’t that attractive but he’d do. And I’m not a supermodel so I’m not one to talk. 

Eventually, the night was drawing to an end so I being the confident woman that I am, invited him to mine. Also, it should be noted that I have a single bed. (In Italy I think it is normal when you rent a room as a single woman to be given a single bed, no naughty business allowed). We drank more wine, smoked more cigarettes on my balcony.

After a while, we got down to business. It was ok, quite nice. Maybe too nice. He annoyed me a bit because he kept complimenting me and calling me babe. argh. “Babe you’re gorgeous”, “babe you’re so fit” and “babe your boobs are amazing”. argh. I kept thinking ‘how many times can you say babe?’ I just stuffed his head in my “amazing” boobs to shut him up and looked at the pillow and pictured panzerotti guy (see my first post for the low-down) to keep me going. 

Then he did something weird, he hit my bum. I say hit because it was so light. Doesn’t get to qualify as a slap. It did nothing to turn me on. Told you he was too nice. I mean if had fully slapped it, I could have gotten down with it, but it was the fact it was such a light hit that it became weird. Anyway, it was ok, better than no sex at all. He left. I watched some game of thrones and fell asleep.

The next day it was awkward at work. He being too nice didn’t confront the situation at all. Me being shy was too embarrassed to say more than hello. Also, me being a bit old-fashioned expected the boy to say something first. It made me laugh inside though, because you have seen each other naked but can’t even muster up more than a ‘hello, how are you?’

Advice for dating – don’t date or sleep with a colleague to avoid awkwardness at work. If you do date a colleague make sure they know how to slap properly.